


Hamlet in a Nutshell

by orphan_account



Category: Hamlet (1996), Hamlet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Humor, shameless parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 03:28:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's like CliffNotes on steroids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hamlet in a Nutshell

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going with one scene at a time, so here's Act One Scene the First. I'm a huge fan of Hamlet and wanted to poke fun at it so... (shrug)
> 
> Don't take this seriously.

(The scene opens on a dark and stormy night at the gates of Elsinore, except without the storm. Two singular men are in front of said gate, both in unaware of the other)

Bernardo: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there, specifically Francisco? Look, can you come out quietly, though, I only just got the back brace taken off yesterday and I--

(A figure, the second man, pounces on Bernardo Calvin and Hobbes style to the ground)

Bernardo: AUGH! MY SPLEEN!

Francisco: Oh! How now, Bernardo? You should have stated your name outright; one might mistake you for a villain!

Bernardo: What-- what are you talking about? Get off me! And I assumed it was pretty obvious considering we're the only ones who ever come out here in the first place. Who were you expecting? The Queen of Denmark?

Francisco: Well, the talking to yourself bit was rather suspicious, you have to admit. People only monologue when they're about to die or if they're plotting something in this world.

Bernardo: Your enormous weight makes me feel as if I'm going to suffocate, so mission accomplished.

Francisco (a little hurt by his companion's sharp insult): Doesn't hurt to be cautious, does it?

Bernardo: I was calling for you, not monologuing! Why would I be monologuing? What do you mistake me for, a silly character in a p--

Francisco: Hark! I hear voices approaching and they sound rather frenzied! You can take care of it yourself, young padowan. I'm going to retire for the night, myself.

Bernardo: I'm five years older than you.

Francisco: Ah, well. You know what they say. Better to age to perish at the hands of a foe than beauty! (frolics off, disappearing into the night)

Bernardo: I hate you so much.

(Marcellus and Horatio enter the scene)

Horatio: ...and then he just... what, again?

Marcellus: Started wiggling his fingers and going, 'Wooooooo!' all menacing like.

Horatio: Wooo?

Marcellus: (nodding and demonstrating his ever-so-frightening jazz hands) Woooooo. All ghostly and everything.

Horatio: Fascinating.

Marcellus: So you believe me?

Horatio: No, I think you belong locked up in an asylum but still.

Marcellus: Oh ye of little faith. I bet Hamlet would believe me.

Horatio: Because Hamlet doesn't have psychotic and delusional tendancies? Have you forgotten The Great Pudding Incident of 1091 already?

Marcellus: (twitching) So... much... pudding...fair enough. But I'm still not crazy!

Horatio: That remains to be seen.

Bernardo: (waves hand) How now, Marcellus and... Horatio? Still as much as a stick in the mud as ever I see.

Horatio: (folds arms) I'm not a stick in the mud, just a sceptic.

Marcellus: He doesn't believe in ghosts.

Bernardo: Well, by the mornings's light after he sees our little ghost infestation, we'll have him yelling, "Who ya gonna call?" until the crows come calling home, aren't we, Marcellus? Eh? Eh? (nudges Marcellus with his elbow)

Marcellus: ...

Horatio: ... I did not understand that reference-- is that a man in a bedsheet?

(man of unknown origin appears wearing a bed sheet and moaning, "Whooooo". Where the two eyeholes would be is a portrait of the Old King Hamlet tied on by a length of twine. Marcellus and Bernardo appear to be shaking in their boots)

Marcellus: It's the Deceased King, back to wreak his revenge!

Bernardo: Oh, woe be unto us!

Horatio: It's... just a guy with a blanket on his head! 

Guy With Blanket on His Head Who is Apparently Also the Dead King: Killjoy.

Horatio: Wassat?

GWBoHHWiAAtDK: Oh, no! The sunlight approacheth! (makes a sad attempt at a rooster noise) The rooster clucketh! I must be off!

Bernardo: Well, that's a shame. The rooster's cry must have scared him off.

Horatio: It's two in the morning. We're the only ones awake in the entirety of Denmark.

Marcellus: Either that, or Horatio's sceptic-ness killed him. Why do you have to be such a buzzkill, Horatio?

Horatio: (head in hands) Okay. Would I be making it up to you if I mentioned this to Hamlet (goodness knows that's a horrible idea, but if it appeases you--)

Marcellus: (looks at Horatio and gives a mischevious grin) All right, Horatio!

Horatio: You interrupted my parenthesis. Nobody messes with my parenthesis. Why did you--

Marcellus: (scooting Horatio out of scene) Well, you best be off, Horatio! You must have babies to steal candy from and children to tell that St. Nicholas isn't real. Might as well get started while the night is still young.

Horatio: But-- but I didn't give a tremendously boring recap of Hamlet, Sr. defeating Fortinbras that no one cares about yet! How else will the readers understand that Fortinbras is an antagonist, too?

Marcellus: He's not really much of an antagonist anyways.

Bernardo: More of a side character, really. (joins in on scooting Horatio out of scene)

Horatio: That aside, they still decide to know!

Bernardo: Something tells me they'll live.

Horatio: But--

Marcellus: Now be on your way, Scepty! And don't forget to bring Hamlet with you tomorrow, eh?

Horatio: You know, I have better things to do than escort my friends around in the dead hours of the-- oh, whatever. Bye, then.

Marcellus: (forcing smiles and waving hand from side to side robotically) Byeee.... (relax as Horatio exits scene)

Marcellus: Oh, that was a close one. (calls to statue about ten feet away) Okay, Francie, you can come out now!

(Ghost re enters scene and takes off bed cloth to reveal a red faced Francisco)

Francisco: He almost found me out! You told me he was gullible.

Bernardo: Marcellus! You told me that it really was Hamlet's Ghost, not... (spits out word) Francisco!Nobody tells me anything

Marcellus: (ignores Bernardo) No, no, you misunderstood me: I said Hamlet was gullible! But Horatio's funner to get riled up.

Bernardo: Did you really just use the word "funner" in one of the greatest English works of all time?

Francisco: (pretends not to hear Bernardo's blatant breaking of the fourth wall) We're going to have to try better tomorrow. If Horatio suspects a thing, our April Fool's Day joke will be ruined and we'll never beat the record of the Great Pudding Incident of 1091!

Bernardo: Is that what this is about? Trying to get Hamlet even more chaotic and destructive than the Pudding Incident itself?

Marcellus: Oh, like you don't think it's funny when he goes psychotic.

Bernardo: Last time, he mortally injured seven people and all forms of jiggly food substances were banned for a year! I had to travel miles to Norway each day to get my daily dose of flan because of that...

Francisco: ...

Bernardo: I take my flan seriously. Besides, what if he's worse this time? We all know Hamlet has daddy issues.

Marcellus: (snorts) That's an understatement.

Bernardo: Exactly my point! (raises finger) What if, this time... someone dies? Or multiple people? Or the entire nobility population of Denmark?

Francisco: You don't know that.

Marcellus: You think to deeply, Bernardo. Stop doing that. You might just grow a brain one of these days.

Bernardo: Fine... but it's on your hands. I'm out (walks out of scene)

Marcellus: (calls out) I can live with that!

Francisco: (a little edgily) You don't think he's right, do you? I hate it when people die. Totally gets me in a mad mood.

Marcellus: Nah, he's just being a drama queen. Nobody ever dies in Shakespeare's works, don't be silly! C'mon. Let's prepare for tomorrow. I'm thinking maybe a small fireworks effect, maybe?

(Francisco and Marcellus walk off into distance, preparing for tomorrow)

END OF SCENE ONE ACT ONE


End file.
